


when a dog runs backwards it is god

by sandymg



Series: Beach Verse [11]
Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: J-Squared, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-23
Updated: 2013-09-23
Packaged: 2017-12-27 09:57:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/977417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandymg/pseuds/sandymg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared and Danneel are both going away at the same time and buy Jensen a kitten so he won't be alone.<br/><b>Notes<b></b></b>: Story title from the poem The Miracle by Suchoon Mo.<br/><b>Disclaimer<b></b></b>: This is fiction. No harm intended. No profit made.</p>
            </blockquote>





	when a dog runs backwards it is god

_“What is that?”_

Danneel presses the offending object to her bosom, purses her lips slightly and raises one perfectly shaped eyebrow. “A cat, obviously. Well, a kitten to be precise.”

Next to her, Jared is bouncing up and down on his tippy-toes, smile so radiant he looks like he’s glowing. Jensen refuses to let Jared’s adorableness distract him from the situation. The situation that is currently purring in Danneel’s arms.

“I can see that,” Jensen says with no small amount of exasperation. “But why is it here?”

“Not it. She. And she’s here because … “ Danni pauses. If there ever was an example of a pregnant pause, this is it.

Jensen is not having it. “No,” he says emphatically.

Danni and Jared both look down at the kitten. It’s black and white, Jensen observes, and he shuts down that train of thought immediately. He struggles to regain his roommate’s and boyfriend’s attention.

“Guys,” he starts. Then he turns to Jared because Jared volunteers part-time at an animal clinic and clearly this is his fault. “Jay … I’m allergic to cats. I told you that.”

Jared finally pulls his gaze from the kitten and locks eyes with Jensen, still smiling. “No, you’re not.”

Jensen starts to protest but Jared cuts him off. “I’ve seen you near cats when you visit me in the clinic. You’ve never shown even the slightest symptom.” He steps away from Danni and the kitten and closer to Jensen. He’s moving slowly, as if approaching a skittish animal. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you being alone,” he explains gently.

 _Ah-ha_. So that’s what this is about. Danni is taking an extended work sabbatical and will be touring the Italian wine country and wherever else she can, because she’s had wanderlust forever. She takes off like this every two or three years. And Jared will be attending a four-week teaching seminar in Santa Barbara for credits toward his Masters. Jensen has been supportive since first hearing of the opportunity. He’s never given the slightest inclination that he minds either of them leaving him.

He sucks in a deep breath to marshal a defense against Jared.

“I don’t need a fucking pet.”

It’s not exactly what he meant to say. Sometimes he has a tendency to just blurt things out. Probably why he only has three friends, two of whom consistently travel with their band nine months of the year.

And Jared, of course.

His boyfriend ignores the outburst, which is very Jared-like. He puts his hand gently on Jensen’s shoulder and squeezes once. “Jen,” he says softly. “Just look at her.”

Jensen stiffens immediately. He absolutely has no desire to get closer to the cat. “I’m not going to be alone,” he says instead stubbornly. “I’ll be working and there’s my mother.”

Danni lets out a little huff under her breath. Jensen won’t meet Jared’s eyes. He knows what they are thinking. But his mother’s not bad company. On good days she’s as sociable as Jared. He shudders at what she’d make of this – of his boyfriend and best friend babying him about being on his own. It’s ridiculous, she’d say. She’d remind him how she managed to raise him alone. How his father had run out when Jensen was barely more than an idea. It had been a scandal at the time. A young woman from a good family, unmarried and pregnant. His grandparents, distraught. They’d just about disowned his mother, though eventually they came around. Not that they gave their daughter and grandson much. So it had just been the two of them. Say what you will about her, but at least she’d never left.

“Jen,” Jared says, clearly not for the first time. “Come back.”

Jensen blinks and gives them both a hard stare. “I know you mean well. I do. But I don’t need a cat. I don’t want a pet.”

Danni hands the kitten off to Jared and takes a step toward Jensen. “Is this about Rusty?”

Jensen hears Jared ask, “Who’s Rusty?” but Jensen cannot stay to hear the reply. Without another word he turns around and walks back out of the apartment, leaving them both gaping.

He realizes he has nowhere to go within a few steps of hitting the sidewalk. The wind whips bitter and cold, slicing his skin like a razor blade. It’s January, and while he appreciates his beach community in the off season, it’s impossible to stay outdoors on a day like this.

The studio is the only possible destination, so he turns left and hurriedly walks the eight frigid blocks until he reaches the front door. He’s wrapped his scarf around his face and his nose is dripping snot all over the inside. Each frozen breath burns his nostrils like acid. His mind is racing and he hates both Danni and Jared a little bit right now … and he despises that he feels like that even more than he resents them.

 _Rusty_.

Jesus, he hasn’t thought about that mutt in years. He can’t imagine what kind of trauma Danni is making this out to be in her explanation to Jared. Absurd. Rusty was just a dog he had for a while as a kid. And then, he didn’t. It didn’t turn him into a psychopath not being allowed to keep the dog.

_Mommy, where is he?_

_Where is who, Jensen?_

_Rusty._

_Oh. I tried, Jensen. You know I did. But it’s just too much mess. I’m sure the pound will find him another home._

He can’t get the lock open wearing his thick gloves, so he slips them off. His fingers freeze up when the biting wind hits them and he fumbles his key. On the third try the lock gives way and he stumbles inside.

The warmth envelopes him immediately and Jensen tugs the crusted wool from his face and undoes the buttons of his coat, hanging it on the coat rack by the door. The walls are painted aquamarine and algae green with flecks of white froth and silver stardust. Iridescent fish swim in wavy schools as a steel gray octopus bounces near the surface. Jared always says it looks like an underwater grotto and the memory makes Jensen grin.

As comforting as the gallery of his studio is to Jensen, he needs to get a paint brush in his hand. He steps through the second door, where the space opens to his artist’s studio. His shoulders release tension as he breathes in the familiar mix of linseed oil, solvents and mineral spirits. Here the walls are white and the skylight is letting in the meager sunlight.

He walks to the newly started painting on the easel. The winter beach with two solitary figures. A white seagull is flying off the far right corner of the canvas. Jensen squirts several shades of white, silver and gray on his pallet and gets to work immediately.

It was cold that day, too. Not bitter like today, though … Brisk, like the first cool splash of rainwater on your face. He paints the moon fat and low on the horizon. Like she’d gorged herself on too many sweets, and her sides were bulging. He strokes hard making the outline of the sand dunes, the high ones where the tall wild grass grows. The ones he spent years sitting behind, hiding and drawing and thinking. Does everyone think as much as he does, he wonders.

He can see everything.

The blades of grass rippling as a young boy and his pup dash through them. He sees the blades tall and impenetrable, alert like soldiers, as they appeared back in October when he thought Jared had left him. He sees the millions of blades of grass in between those moments.

The dog was black and white. A terrier mix.

A mutt, his mother had said.

Danni and he agreed that it was impossible to resist that face. It was the cutest dog they’d ever seen. And Jensen fell in love with him almost as fast as he’d fallen under the spell of Danni’s friendship.

The paint strokes are softer now, defining and shaping, adding shadow and perspective.

It hardly takes a psych degree to know why he’s painting this now.

They think he isn’t self-aware. But he’s not an idiot. On that day in October, Jensen had been certain that Jared had left him for good. It made sense after all. Jensen had been an ass to him and, well, people leave Jensen. It’s his norm, not getting to keep things.

_Really?!_

_I suppose we could try having a pet. But he’s your responsibility, Jensen. The first time you don’t clean up after him, well, that’s it._

_I promise, Mommy. Thank you. Thank you. You’ll see. You’ll love him, too._

_It’s just a mutt, Jensen._

Rusty was a good dog. But Jensen hadn’t been as diligent at cleaning up after him as he’d promised. He doesn’t remember how he’d failed but there’s no doubt it was his own fault that Rusty was sent back.

A soft intake of breath behind him makes Jensen stop painting abruptly. He doesn’t have to turn around to know who’s there. The silence is tangible and Jensen realizes Jared is seeing the painting for the first time. Dammit. He’d planned to keep this one under wraps for a while. Certainly until Jared came back from the seminar. Maybe a little longer.

“God, Jen,” Jared says. He sounds off, breathy, almost like he’d run all the way here. “Those were the worst weeks of my life. Until you turned around that night. Until you _answered_ me. It’s like I couldn’t even breathe.”

 _Why are you here?_ Jared had asked Jensen that night on the beach. Jensen thinks about that so much more than he thinks is normal. Why is he here? Why do others see him so differently than he sees himself? Why isn’t he warm and fuzzy like they wish he were?

He spins around to face Jared and once more his filter is off. “Do you expect me to turn postal one day and just fucking shoot everyone in sight?”

Jared staggers back a step, as if he’s been struck. “What?”

“She give you the great big Rusty sob story?” He’s angry, but it’s irrational. Senseless. It has nowhere to go and he doesn’t wait for Jared to reply before dabbing his brush back into the gunmetal gray and attacking the sand dune again.

“Talk to me,” Jared pleads.

“I don’t want to,” Jensen whines and he knows he sounds like an eight-year-old.

“I didn’t know,” Jared says. There’s no reproof in his tone but Jensen knows Jared thinks Jensen should have shared that tale long before now. Jared’s actually said to Jensen that he wants to know _everything_. Jensen hadn’t bothered replying to that request. If Jared really knew everything … well, no, that can’t happen.

Jensen contains way too much ugly for him to ever risk showing Jared.

“It was a long time ago.”

“You were eight,” Jared says.

“Danni liked looking at the puppies in our local shelter. Her family had cats. Like three of them. Her mom said dogs and cats wouldn’t mix and so they stuck to just cats.” Jensen sighs. It had been a foolish idea. He’d never believed his mother would say yes. So it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when it didn’t last.

When it’s clear that Jensen isn’t planning on sharing more, Jared prompts gently, “She let you keep him for four weeks?”

Twenty-four days. And then the mess was just too much.

“God, Jen.”

Shit. He hadn’t realized he’d said that last part aloud. Maybe he hadn’t. He chances a look in Jared’s direction.

Oh fuck, please let that glazed look in his boyfriend’s eyes be from the cold walk over here and not tears.

“You’re really good with my dogs,” Jared says. “I suggested bringing them over, having you take care of them while I was gone, but Chad … well, he’s like their dad, too. It wouldn’t be fair. I don’t know what we’re gonna do when we don’t live together. We’ll have to get some sort of custody agreement.” Jared laughs but it never reaches his eyes.

“Thinking of getting your own place?” Jensen asks.

Jared looks at him and avoids the question. “So, do you just not like cats?”

“No, I don’t mind cats. I just … I’ll be fine alone. I always am.” He was for a long time.

That darn shimmer is back in Jared’s eyes and he steps closer, long fingers prying the paint brush out of Jensen’s hand. He’d been gripping it vice-tight without realizing. Jensen stretches his fingers, only for them to be swallowed in Jared’s warm grasp. Jared’s thumb is rhythmically rubbing Jensen’s knuckles. It feels ridiculously good.

“ _I_ won’t be, you know. Fine, I mean. I’ve gotten used to seeing your ugly mug every day.”

Jensen tangles his thumb with Jared’s in a mock thumb wrestle. “You’ll be busy. It’s an intense course. You won’t have time to think about me.”

“Do you honestly believe that?”

Of course, Jensen believes that. Jared and he are so different. Jensen’s still trying to figure out so many things. How long till Jared gets tired of waiting? How long till Jared meets someone warmer, surer, happier?

Part of Jensen doesn’t really believe Jared’s coming back at all.

“Shit,” Jared says. Jensen’s face heats up because while he didn’t say a thing, his thoughts are sometimes transparent to Jared. “How can you still—“ Jared stops and takes a deep breath.

Jensen stays quiet. He doesn’t know what to say that won’t upset Jared further. But Jared breaks the silence. “I told Danni that I didn’t think it was about Rusty. Even though the story broke my heart.”

“Did it?” Jensen asks, eyes taking in Jared’s earnest expression.

Jared palms Jensen’s cheek. “It was cruel, Jen, to take that puppy away from you.”

It’s startling to hear Jared’s perception of his mother. She isn’t perfect by any measure. But they are alike in many ways. Is Jensen cruel? Sometimes he can be, he thinks.

After telling her that Rusty had been taken back to the pound, Jensen hadn’t let Danni go back to see him one last time. They’d fought bitterly about it.

“Did Danni tell you we never saw him again after that?”

Jared nods and Jensen's eyes drift down, avoiding Jared's gaze. She must have complained about it. Jensen knows it’s one of those things she never totally let go. As tight as they are, some things linger bitterly between them.

_I’m sorry, son, no dog of that description was brought in. Perhaps it was another shelter?_

He’d looked desperately around the neighborhood. But Rusty wasn’t anywhere to be found.

_He wasn’t there!_

_What are you talking about, Jensen?_

_Rusty. You said you took him back to the shelter, but they don’t have him. Mom, tell me you just didn’t let him run away. Please._

_Of course not. What do you take me for? I took him to the city animal shelter, instead of the one in town. I thought it would just be best to make a clean break._

See, his mother isn’t cruel. She’d been thinking of Jensen’s feelings. In retrospect, Jensen thinks seeing Rusty again would have been harder.

The parallel plays in his mind. Would it be easier if Jared went to California and didn’t return?

“Christ, where do you disappear to?” Jared leans in and hugs him softly. “I want you here, with me.”

Jensen instinctively stiffens before giving in to the hug.

Jared’s voice is thick with emotion. “Babe, trust me, you’re going to see me again. I’ll be back in four weeks. I’m on a flight home the very day classes end. And if it weren’t one of the best programs … “

“No. You have to do this. Your education is important.”

“You’re important. So important.” Jared puts one hand to Jensen’s chin, tilts Jensen’s head up. “I love you.”

Jensen thinks, I love you, too.

He thinks that a lot.

It doesn’t necessarily make a difference.

Jared keeps explaining. “It was just because both Danni and I were leaving at the same time. We thought maybe the kitten would make it a little better. At least it would be distracting.” He draws Jensen tight again. “You’ve got a lot of love to give. I don’t think it’s good for you to keep it bottled up too long.”

What? Jensen pulls back. Jared is insane. Nobody would ever think Jensen has too much love. What little he has he’s given all to Jared. There isn’t any more.

_Jensen, I called and checked like you asked and they placed him already. An older woman who lived alone. Some people need to always fill their space. I don’t see why. When you’re grown and gone, I’ll prefer to be on my own._

Jared has pulled him back close and his lips are fluttering around Jensen’s temples. It feels tingly and ticklish and it’s a very Jared thing to do.

“I’ve gotten used to your being here,” Jensen confesses. “Danni is always in and out. She’s taken long trips before. I was okay being alone.”

The tender kisses continue. “I’m gonna miss you. So much. You’re in my heart, Jensen. Even if we’re apart, I feel you. Try to feel me?”

“Jay, you’re all I feel, don’t you know that?”

He needs to find Jared’s lips then, mouth open and hungry and searching. Kisses Jared like it’s the last time. It’s not. It can’t be. “Please come back,” he whispers into Jared’s cheek.

Jared kisses him harder, melds them until they share a single breath. “Always.”

~~

They walk back together, holding gloved hands. It seems warmer than before, perhaps the clouds have thinned to let in more of the sun’s warmth.

Danni is watching TV but clicks it off when they enter. Jensen sees the small cat carrier sitting on the coffee table.

“She’s all set for you to take back,” Danni says to Jared.

“Wait,” Jensen says before Jared can reach the cage. He approaches the carrier and peers inside. Huge hazel eyes meet his. Damn if they don’t remind him of Jared’s. He blinks against the sting in his eyes. Maybe he really does have allergies.

He flips the catch and pulls the kitten out. It squirms, but settles down after one finger stroke under her chin. Up close he can see she’s mostly black with white paws and a few snowy speckles.

“She looks like she’s paint splattered.”

“That’s why I thought of her for you,” Jared says.

“Did you name her?” he asks Danni.

She shakes her head, her eyes going to Jared in a questioning stare. Jensen turns in time to see Jared shrugging.

It’s not about Rusty.

It’s about trust.

“I’ll take care of her for you,” Jensen says to Jared.

Jared’s eyes don’t leave his. “No backsies on this one. You commit. And it’s for good.”

“Jay, that’s not fair,” Danni protests. “Jensen didn’t—“

Jensen barely hears her, isn’t aware he’s interrupting. “I’m committed,” he says, heart pounding.

“Me, too,” Jared declares in a voice that broaches no possible hesitation.

It’s quiet for several seconds until a slight purr vibrates from Jensen’s hands.

“Okay,” Danni says. “I missed the second act but I’m liking how this show is ending.”

Jensen turns his attention back to his best friend. “We have a pet, it seems.”

Her smile is sun bright. “It’s your turn to name her.”

Danni had named Rusty. She’d always wanted a dog of that name. Eight-year-old Jensen never thought it odd to let someone else name his pet.

He stares at the kitten and sets her down gently. She scampers after barely visible dust mites in the sunlight. It’s like a blur of dots moving across the floor.

“Dorothy,” he says. “Dot, for short.”

Danneel laughs deep and loud. “Dorothy? Embracing the rainbow, are we?”

“I love it,” Jared says, beaming.

The kitten meows loudly as if in agreement and Jensen feels lighter than he remembers in a long time. “I love _you_ ,” he says to Jared.

It gets quiet because Jensen doesn’t say that. And never at full voice, in front of anyone else. Of course, Danni isn’t just anyone. It startles them all.

Jensen feels like he should be more surprised than he is.

Which is why he comes closer to Jared and says it again, whispers it into his neck as he buries his nose in Jared’s soft hair. He pulls back and sees Danni holding the kitten. “C’mere,” he urges.

Group hugs may be commonplace for some, but Jensen is now in very odd territory.

Yet, with the two people he truly loves most in the world, it feels safe, solid, like it can’t be taken away. Dot purrs in agreement between them all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 **A Miracle**  
By Suchoon Mo

when a dog runs backwards  
it is god  
when a dog smiles  
it is a miracle

when a dog runs backwards smiling  
you'd better start praying  
or stop drinking

**Author's Note:**

> beta: borgmama1of5


End file.
